A long story... Hoping for a happy ending

As I sit here trying to comprehend another failed attempt it is hard for me to put my emotions into words. I want to stay positive, I want to grow from this but at the same time I feel defeated once again. Hello sadness, hello emptiness I haven't missed you!

 Maybe I should start from the beginning. My husband and I have been together for nearly 10 years now. Married since 2009, TTC since 2012. It is weird that those are the stats that define my marriage at this given time. They don't show how much love, fun, parties and memories were made in those years. Mr TTC is an amazing man, he works 10+ hours a day, 7 days a week. He supports me through everything and every mistake. I believe we have a Johnny and June type epic love that is meant for the record books. Others may just see a normal American couple struggling with everyday problems but I see a man and a women who are there for each other and make each other laugh even in hard times.

Lets pass the sappy I love my husband montage and move onto our TTC journey. 2 years passed and I finally thought wow I'm not pregnant. What is the definition of insanity? Trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results. That was me. 5 years of marriage and God knows how many pregnancies tests I took every time my period was just a little late. The amount of money wasted of PG tests is insane! I am considering taking stock out. So 2 years have gone by and no bouncing baby for us. My OB automatically referred us to an reproductive endocrinologist who at our first appointment had figured out our issue and told us our only option was IVF. WOW.

So here we are faced with this huge decision that wasn't really question for us at all. Of course if that is what we have to do we will do it. My RE gave me a very favorable chance of getting pregnant the first time. Our first steps were easy, mostly paperwork and some labs and then the calendar and the price came. WOW again who knew making a baby out of two microscopic things could cost some much! Our fresh cycle ran about $12,000 plus about $4,00 in meds. I have insurance but it doesn't not cover any fertility treatments. In the end a child of my own will be worth the cost no matter what. Then the meds came and the NEEDLES! Holy hell some of them were gigantic. I later learned those were mostly used for drawing up the meds and not to actually give the shots.

In November the shots began and went on for about 12 days with ultrasounds and blood work every other day. Thank God for FMLA or I probably would have lost my job for the amount of hours I have missed. Finally on November 16th I was able to do my trigger shot for the retrieval. I was so excited, everything had gone so smooth. I just knew something had to go wrong. Retrieval day came (exactly 34 hours later) and I was ready. My ovaries felt like they were the size of golf balls so I was ready for some relief. The procedure went quick and I don't remember much with the wonderful drugs they gave me. Then Dr. S comes in to tell me we only got 8 eggs. 8! The physician that did my last ultrasound told me I had over 30 in there and you are telling me you only got 8! I was shocked and upset but prayed that those 8 would be the ones. With much anticipation the next day the call came that said all 8 were mature and 5 fertilized! I was very happy with that. 5 days later we returned for our transfer. 2 beautiful 5 day blasts awaited me. I was so excited, I didn't think we would make to day 5 let alone two perfect beautiful blasts. The transfer went great and I followed my two days of bed rest instructions. The two week wait went quickly I didn't have many symptoms and that worried me. My mother in law drove me to my appointment and the labs were drawn. We did some grocery shopping and I went home and took a nap to pass the time. Mr. TTC and I had a plan, when the nurse called no matter the results I would simply text come home. The call came around 4 and the text went out. I sat on the couch waiting for him to get there. I was sobbing uncontrollably when he came into the living room and I didn't even have to say the words he knew. It was negative. All our efforts wasted. No baby for us. Again.

Even though we received the worst news possible there was some good that came from that call. We learned that we had two frozen embryos awaiting our next round. That eased the blow. We scheduled our follow appointment for the next week. We didn't want to waste anytime. The protocol for a frozen transfer is soooooo much easier. The calendar came and the little bit of meds that I had to take. It seemed so simple. My RE added some vitamins and started my lovenox earlier hoping that would help with implantion. I also had a stereoscopy done where he removed an adhesion and a small uterine septum. That freaked me out. He said it was no big deal and it was very small but I had no idea the septum was in there. I then began to google and found out that most women with septum's miscarry 80% of the time. So I convinced myself that not getting pregnant the last time was a good thing and that I could of just miscarried if I did. I began the meds and after just one ultrasound after about two weeks I was ready for transfer. Again we made the 2 hour drive to the office where we waiting patiently for them to call us back. Then they did, to the wrong side. They called us back to the office side and not the surgical side. I knew instantly something was wrong and began to cry as we sat and waited for Dr. S. I could see it on his face as he began to tell us that neither of our embryos survived the thaw. He gave them as much time as he could to show turn around and then never show any sign. I began to sob and felt like a complete idiot crying in front of him even though I am sure he is used to it. He felt awful again and promised he will do everything he can possible do to get me pregnant and keep that way.

So here we are back to squire one. I am dreading doing another fresh cycle because of how awful I felt and I am dreading the cost but I will do anything for a baby and so will Mr. TTC.

Always... Mrs. TTC